Three Elements I Needed to Free Myself From Sex Addiction
Maybe it was hopeless. Struggling to come to terms with my secret addiction, I desperately offered excuses for myself. Figuring this beast could never be defeated, I often rationalized and minimized my unwanted sexual behavior. As much as I wanted to vanquish this addiction, ranging from compulsive pornography consumption to emotional and sexual affairs, I felt utterly helpless against it. I was enslaved by a phantom master. Entrenched in shame, I presumed I would take my secret addiction to the grave.
Insult to Injury
Like many other guys I’ve known, I inadvertently discovered pornography in middle school. Shock and intrigue were potent ingredients in the addiction stew of which I had my first taste. Being so young, I had a primitive understanding of what, exactly, I had found. If nothing else, I knew it was wrong, and I knew it was powerful.
As my acting out proliferated alongside my personal development, I became increasingly aware of just how shameful my sexual addiction was. Conversation on the matter was merely non-existent in my conservative, Christian upbringing. Sex itself was a taboo subject. The very lack of discussion spoke surprisingly loudly to me. I concluded that I must be the only good, Christian boy who struggled with unwanted sexual behavior. Furthermore, I ought never to mention it to anyone, for fear of invariable reproach and rejection.
Over the years, I assembled a pretty dismal and unhelpful message regarding sexual addiction: Porn is bad. If you look at it, you are bad, and you should quit immediately.
Where Does My Help Come From
Despite our culture’s increasingly normalized view of pornography addiction and licentiousness, I knew it all was wrong. I didn’t need to hear again that pornography was bad for me. What I needed was help fighting it. I needed a safe place to be seen in my addiction and offered hope instead of condemnation.
Five years ago, my secret life of addiction imploded. The hidden acting out was exposed, and I fearfully landed myself in a therapy office, broken and lost. What I thought was the end of my life turned out to be a new beginning.
A New Hope
Instead of the judgment and shame I was accustomed to, I was met with grace and understanding in counseling. I was told I wasn’t alone, and that there was healing and recovery available, even for me. Finally, I could be heard and understood, not just about my struggles with sex addiction, but the pain behind the behavior as well. It was a mammoth-sized relief to know I wasn’t a monster because of my acting out.
I came to understand the legitimate, underlying needs I was trying to meet in my addiction. I began learning this new language of recovery that encompassed my deep wounding, and the role addiction played as a counterfeit treatment. My life had been a self-perpetuating cycle of pain, acting out, and shame. But now there was hope.
(The Addictive Cycle by Dr. Patrick Carnes, IITAP)
I started to see life anew, full of choices versus doom. So began a reshaping of how I viewed myself. I progressively grasped the responsibility to believe in my capacity to make healthy decisions. I was not defined by my addiction. I could choose to embody truth and make new choices for my life.
Paradigm Shift
Many times before, I had tried to abandon my life of unwanted sexual behavior. It made the most sense to face it head-on, with sheer willpower and grit as my weapons. Invariably, my resolve dissolved, and I slumped back down into addiction. The problem was not a lack of effort—it was rather a misappropriation of effort, done in isolation.
“ I needed the shift in mindset that therapy offered.”
What I was trying to do was manage the ignoble behavior as a sole entity. Well, there’s a myriad of reasons I was engaging in that behavior. Without addressing the underlying drivers of addiction, it was, indeed, hopeless. I needed the shift in mindset that therapy offered. Working one-on-one with a therapist, and in a group setting, has given me the understanding and tools to effectively combat the lies I told myself for so long.
Like all good things in life, a radical change such as this did not transpire overnight. I’m grateful for the help in taking the first tentative step and the more confident ones that followed. This is, no doubt, challenging work. With a commitment to just take that next step, anyone can find healing and freedom from addiction.
The Three Components
While I have been edified by many entities in the therapy world, there are three imperatives for recovery that stand out to me.
#1 Individual Counseling
A skilled counselor provided me the safety and security to be honest about my issues and start digging deep. If my best thinking got me neck-deep in the mire of addiction and misunderstanding of my identity, it only makes sense I needed a guide to help me break free and see truth. If you can relate to my story, consider Curtis Eklund, LMFT, CSAT or Cory Anderson, LMFT, CSAT.
#2 Men’s Group for Sex Addicts
Oftentimes, we can learn from others’ experience we might be delayed in learning for ourselves. Being in a group setting gave me healthy community in which I felt supported. A greater variety of perspective and insight from other group members, alongside the counselor leader, helped me traverse challenges more swiftly. Get connected with Curtis Eklund, LMFT, CSAT or Kristi Mears, LMFT, CSAT to learn more about groups.
#3 Couples Counseling
There is individual healing from sexual infidelity and addiction, and then there is healing of the relationship affected. Once I was stable enough in my own healing, my wife and I were able to enter into formal healing as a couple. My own wife, Megan Weller, LMFT, employs Restoration Therapy to aid in the healing journey of couples healing from infidelity.
