4 Tips for Coparenting throughout the Divorce Process

As therapists who specialize in Christian marriage counseling in San Diego, we believe in the power of therapy to salvage fraught relationships. Every day, couples come to us for addiction, infidelity, and other sources of marital conflict only to experience a dramatic transformation in their marriages.

However, sometimes couples decide to divorce despite their best efforts, or clients come to us having already gone through the divorce process. In these cases, they want to know how to make coparenting a success, so they can reduce the impact of the divorce on their kids and be the best coparents possible.

Your Kids Will Be Impacted by the Divorce Process

I have had multiple parents tell me that their children are not having any issues adjusting to the realities of the divorce process. They may even have been told that outright by an older child.

However, the divorce process does have a tremendous impact on children at every age. It’s even considered one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that, when taken together, can lead to mental and physical health issues in adulthood as a result of chronic stress and trauma. Sometimes the impact is subtle.

One of the most important things you can do is establish healthy coparenting patterns early on. This will minimize the stress that the divorce process places on your children. It will give you some clear boundaries to follow, so that your children’s interests always come first, even when you are feeling frustrated with your ex.

Coparenting Tip #1: Don’t Throw Your Ex under the Bus

This is so hard to do, but it’s absolutely critical to healthy coparenting. It may be extra challenging if you’re going through the divorce process due to a betrayal like sex addiction or an affair.

Your kids may think highly of your ex and not understand why you initiated the divorce process. They may blame you for the upheaval in their lives or say positive things about your ex that you know aren’t true.

No matter how badly you were hurt, unless your ex is abusive, it’s important for your child to maintain a positive relationship with your ex. Your ex likely still loves your kids, and vice versa, and undermining that relationship will only make you the bad guy in the long run, while also creating attachment injuries for your children.

If you feel like giving up on these coparenting guidelines because your spouse is being genuinely difficult, that’s totally normal. Or maybe you want some emotional support and a listening ear. That’s totally fine, just remember that your kids are not the people to talk to about your feelings. Therapy is a great place to share your frustrations with the divorce process and process any betrayal trauma you may be experiencing.

Coparenting Tip #2: Ask Your Children about Their Feelings

What do you do if your kids complain about your ex to you? First, realize that this is not uncommon. For every negative thing they’ve said to you, they’ve probably said equally negative things about you to your ex. They’re usually not trying to play you off each other. Your kids are just dealing with a difficult situation and strong emotions and trying to reorient their world the best they can.

It’s important if your child comes to you complaining about the way your ex’s home is run that you do not get caught up in the situation. If there are reports of abuse, certainly intervene. Other than that, the crucial thing is to be a good listener and ask your child how the situation made them feel.

Another way to help your child express their feelings is to reflect how they might be feeling. For example, you could say, “You must have felt really sad when that happened.” This helps children recognize and verbalize their feelings, which can make those feelings less overwhelming. It also validates their feelings, affirming that it’s okay they had those feelings.

Coparenting Tip #3: Remember Your Kids Aren’t Your Messengers

It can be easier logistically and emotionally to say, “Don’t forget to remind your dad about your soccer game next Saturday.” However, this puts an additional burden on your children, who are already dealing with the stress of the divorce process.

Healthy coparenting involves communicating with your ex directly, whether the topic is child support, calendar events, or how your children are doing in school.

I know, easier said than done, right? After all, you and your ex may have gotten divorced because of poor communication in the first place. You can’t change your ex, but you can establish new communication patterns of your own and set boundaries throughout the divorce process. If you need help figuring out how to better communicate with your ex, we’re here to help. 

Coparenting Tip #4: Make Exchanges at Your Own Homes

Many of my clients have commented on the emotional wounds that were inadvertently inflicted by their parents meeting under a freeway bridge or in a Walmart parking lot to exchange the kids. The parents see it as logistically easier because they can pick a halfway point and don’t have to be in each other’s personal space.

However, this approach to coparenting can make a child feel like the subject of a seedy drug deal, rather than a treasured person who has two stable homes. It may be uncomfortable to have your ex in your personal space. However, healthy coparenting involves putting your kids first.

Contact Us for More Help Navigating the Divorce Process

Wherever you are in your marriage, one of the best investments you can make in your future happiness is seeking therapy. If you’re still married, there’s a good chance that the relationship can be salvaged if that’s what you want. If you’re already going through the divorce process, we can help you navigate the ups and downs, including the challenges of coparenting with your ex.

Contact us at (760) 283-7000 for more information or to set up an initial session with one of our therapists. We have therapy offices in San Marcos, Carlsbad, and Mission Valley.