Why Marriage Counseling Isn’t Working for Your Relationship
In last week’s blog post, we explored 4 Tips for Coparenting throughout the Divorce Process. This post looked at ways to make the divorce process easier for your children by putting them--and healthy coparenting--ahead of any frustration you may have with your ex.
But what if it’s not too late to save your marriage? What if there was a way to blast through the conflict you’re experiencing with your spouse and avoid the divorce process altogether?
Many couples have tried marriage counseling with little to no change in their dynamics. They may practice communication skills in therapy, but they still feel a wide gap between them. They still lack the emotional connection they crave.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
You could say that we’re crazy and live with the status quo. Or you could meet with one of our San Diego therapists for marriage counseling using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). You’ll be surprised by how quickly EFT for couples can turn a marriage around.
The Problem with Marriage Counseling as Usual
EFT was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and Distinguished Research Professor at Alliant International University in San Diego. Her book, Hold Me Tight, is a great resource for couples experiencing conflict, and several of our San Diego therapists have received advanced training from experts associated with the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Our EFT-trained therapists include Cory Anderson and Adam Erlenbusch.
Typical marriage counseling focuses on teaching communication skills. It’s a more logical approach to relationships that may include using “I feel” statements, repeating what you heard from your spouse, and looking for ways to turn a conflict into a win-win situation through negotiation.
These are important skills to have, but do they really get to the heart of a troubled marriage?
Many couples go to marriage counseling for years without seeing a real difference in their marriage. They may spend thousands of dollars and even see multiple therapists, but nothing seems to help.
That’s because communication only focuses on the surface issues, but does not address the underlying emotions and patterns that drive conflict. If marriage counseling isn’t working for your relationship, it’s time to try something new. What if your fight about finances was really about your fear that your needs won’t be met? What if your spouse shuts down in conflict because that’s the adaptive strategy they learned as a child? It’s time to go deeper.
Dr. Johnson argues that marital conflict is about more than poor communication. She focuses on something called “attachment style,” which you may have read about in parenting books.
What Is Attachment and Why It Matters for Marriage Counseling
The idea is that we learn how to relate to other people from our childhood relationships with our parents. This bond to our parents is called “attachment,” and it can broadly be labeled as “secure” or “insecure.”
A young child with secure attachment may appear slightly distressed when his or her mother leaves the room, but he or she will quickly get caught up in something else, like playing with a toy or interacting with another adult in the room.
The child may miss the mother, but he or she feels safe in the strange environment and trusts that his or her mother will come back. The child experiences a sense of security knowing his or her needs will be met, whether by the mother upon return or the other adult in the room.
This contrasts with insecure attachment, which can develop different characteristics depending on the child’s interaction with his or her caregiver.
The Gottman Institute gives an excellent explanation of the types of insecure attachment and how these maladaptive attachment styles can show up later in life:
Anxious Attachment: Develops when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing the child about what to expect. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust their partner.
Avoidant Attachment: Develops when a caregiver is neglectful. These are the children that play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there to meet their needs. As adults, they typically label themselves as very independent.
Disorganized Attachment: Develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child learns to fear the caregiver and has no real “secure base.”
The idea behind EFT for couples is that people often apply maladaptive attachment styles to their marriage. In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson discusses the different ways that a person might respond when they feel that their bond to their spouse is threatened.
For example, one person in the relationship might tend to criticize or nag the other person a lot. From the outside, this “attacker” might look like they are sick and tired of the relationship, when in reality they may actually be fighting for closeness and connection--just in a dysfunctional way.
Similarly, many spouses will withdraw when they feel that their marriage is being threatened (and especially when they are criticized or otherwise perceive they are being attacked). The attacker may interpret this as the “withdrawer” not caring about the relationship. In fact, the withdrawer may care deeply, but they are afraid that any response will end the relationship for good. Their learned attachment style is telling them that in order to survive, it’s best to avoid.
These are just a few of the patterns that can develop between couples when insecure attachment is at play.
How Marriage Counseling with Our San Diego Therapists Can Help
It’s important that marriage counseling move beyond blaming and attacking each other’s weak areas. EFT for couples helps you go deeper than you’ve ever gone before as you explore your attachment style, overcome your emotional fears, and learn to trust one another again.
Sometimes divorce happens. Maybe your spouse is abusive or has truly given up on the relationship. But most likely, your spouse still desires a close connection with you as much as you do with them. The problem is that neither one of you feels safe enough to express that desire and reach out for the other one in a soft, emotionally sensitive way.
Our San Diego therapists will create a safe space where you can recognize and communicate your deepest desires for your marriage. You will stop focusing on superficial issues and get to the heart of the matter.
EFT for couples can take many months, but you will notice a dramatic change in your dynamics usually within a few sessions of marriage counseling. Our San Diego therapists will help you identify the harmful cycles that guide your marriage. You’ll also learn how your attachment experiences as a child create this cycle, which will allow you to develop healthier patterns of relating that extend to the deepest areas of your marriage.
Start Transforming Your Marriage as Soon as Next Week
If you’re ready for a radical change in your marriage—even if you’ve given up all hope—it’s time to get in touch. We’re here to help you and your spouse regain and deepen the love you first experienced all those years ago when you met.
Contact us today at (760) 283-7000 for more information or to schedule your first session. Former clients have repeatedly told us that marriage counseling with our San Diego therapists was the best money they spent since getting married.