When a Friendly Relationship Becomes an Emotional Affair at Work

First of all, let’s establish that it’s fine to have work friends. I would say it’s even necessary to get through the day-to-day grind. I’ve known some people who joke about having a “work wife” or “work husband” to describe the person they are closest to at work, but they have a perfectly wonderful relationship with their spouse at home.

But sometimes friendly relationships at work can become something more. An emotional affair may not involve sexual infidelity, but it can be just as damaging to the spouse as a sexual affair.

In this blog post, I will tackle some questions surrounding emotional affairs, marriage counseling for emotional infidelity, and how to approach your spouse if you think they are engaging in emotional cheating at work.

Question: At What Point Does a Relationship Become an Emotional Affair at Work?

If you work in an office setting, you hopefully have multiple coworkers you enjoy being around and joke with. But you probably wouldn’t call these relationships emotional affairs.

What we need to do is differentiate between someone you are close to and crossing the line into a relationship that more closely resembles the kind you would normally have with your spouse.

Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

• Do I tell my work friend (of the sex I’m attracted to) intimate things about my relationship, including problems I’m having with my spouse?

• Does my work friend know things about me that I haven’t shared with my spouse?

• When something exciting happens in my life, is my work friend the first to know about it?

• Do I find myself texting or DMing my work friend after hours when I’m with my partner?

Ultimately, this brief self-assessment starts to get at the question of who you are intimately attached to. This doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship. It’s important to be connected to others, but if you are more emotionally intimate with your work friend than your spouse, you might want to step back and reflect. This could indicate an emotional affair or problems in your marriage.

Question: Are emotional affairs really that big of a deal?

The pain of an emotional affair is very real and should not be taken lightly. An emotional affair at work can create what’s called an “attachment injury.” This is an EFT term that refers to distress caused by someone we have (or feel we should have) a meaningful connection to. An attachment injury in childhood usually comes from a parent; for instance, they may have accidentally forgotten to pick you up from soccer practice. As adults, you may suffer from an attachment injury if a close friend lets you down. Emotional affairs are even more significant because it feels like your spouse has chosen to be close to someone else.

Question: Do emotional affairs often lead to sexual ones?

Emotional affairs don’t necessarily lead to sexual affairs. That said, an emotional affair is about connection and intimacy, which can certainly develop into a physical relationship.

Question: What should I do if I think my spouse is involved in an emotional affair?

It’s important to talk to your partner about your concerns. But bringing up a possible emotional affair at work is not easy!

First of all, approach your partner in a non-judgmental way. You probably don’t know for sure that they are engaged in an emotional affair, and your spouse will be more open to talking to you if you aren’t taking an attacking approach. This is easier said than done, so do your best!

Remember what you really want here⁠—secure intimacy and connection with your partner. Keep this in mind as you approach the subject.

Try to glean two things from the conversation:

1. If it is an emotional affair at work, does your partner see the relationship as such? If they don’t, and you are sure it is an emotional affair, you might need some help setting boundaries and further fighting for your relationship.

2. Is your partner willing to change? That is, are they willing to let the emotional affair go, reduce contact with the coworker, and/or get help through therapy?

Question: Are there some guidelines I can set for avoiding an emotional affair at my workplace? 

Absolutely! Here are a few to start:

• Avoid sharing about conflict in your marriage with your coworkers. Instead, seek marriage counseling to resolve the issues in a healthy way.

• Avoid making flattering comments about your coworkers’ appearance or dress.

• If a coworker of the attracted sex wants to go to lunch, invite other coworkers to go with you. One-on-one lunches outside the office can, over time, become problematic.

• Check your motivation for communicating with your coworkers outside of work about non-work topics.

• Notice if you are looking for opportunities to stop by a coworker’s desk or stay late to be with him/her.

More Questions? Schedule an Intake Session with Our San Diego Therapists

If you’re still not sure how to handle a situation, don’t hesitate to get in touch. Our San Diego therapists work in Carlsbad, Mission Valley, and San Marcos, and we can talk through the situation and see if it warrants further therapy. To connect you with an experienced marriage counseling therapist who can help, call (760) 283-7000.