Should You Stay with Your Partner after Infidelity and Betrayal Trauma?
A few weeks ago, we looked at how your partner’s infidelity can cause betrayal trauma and even full blown PTSD. We talked about the signs of betrayal trauma, where to go for help, and hopefully offered some hope for recovery from infidelity PTSD.
This week, we’d like to address another common question that comes up once a client has discovered his or her spouse’s sexual or emotional affair. Specifically, should you stay with a partner who has caused you betrayal trauma?
Let’s start by saying that there’s no “right” answer. I know that might be frustrating to hear, but please read on and hopefully you will feel like you have some direction after reading this post.
Our goal in marriage counseling or individual counseling after an affair is ultimately to empower you to 1) take care of yourself, and 2) work toward making a healthy decision. This decision is ideally one you feel is respectful to you as a person and your relationship as a whole. For some people, that may mean working through the underlying issues and conflict to stay married. Other clients may decide that a situation warrants divorce.
Debunking the Myth: I Have to Decide What to Do Right Now
Most commonly, when someone like you is suffering from betrayal trauma and comes to us, it’s healthiest to not make a long-term decision to stay together or get divorced right away. We can help you sort through all of this process.
The first priority should be about boundaries, creating safety for you as the spouse, and learning to sit with the difficult emotions and lack of clarity about the future. You probably have a lot of turbulent feelings right now, and that is not the time to make a major life decision, even if you think you unequivocally know what you want to do about your spouse’s infidelity.
Trust that you will figure this out in time—and that the emotions you are going through right now are not forever.
Debunking the Myth: There’s No Hope for My Marriage after an Affair
Some clients come to us after betrayal trauma and don’t see any path forward—that’s okay, it’s a very murky time. Treina Nash in particular works with a lot of women who are reeling from discovering their spouse’s infidelity and/or sexual addiction.
The good news is that many times, the relationship can be restored through lots of work and ongoing marriage counseling with one of our San Diego therapists. Your spouse may not be willing to go to counseling at this time, but we often see that when the betrayed spouse digs into therapy, the spouse committing the affairs can begin to see your example of health and join you.
Once both spouses are willing to work on the underlying issues in the relationship, progress can be made. We usually recommend that each spouse seek individual counseling with separate therapists, and then see a third therapist for marriage counseling together.
This is a standard best practice in therapy and allows for the role of the respective therapists to be very clear. Boundaries can get crossed when the same therapist handles every aspect of the relationship. For instance, if your spouse’s therapist is trying to do work with you both as a couple, you might feel like you can’t trust that therapist to have your best interest at heart.
Our practice relies heavily on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to cut through the surface issues and get to the heart of the relationship. Infidelity is often a sign of more systemic problems, so it’s important to move beyond the affair itself and address the deeper fears, communication patterns, and desire for connection.
That isn’t to say that your betrayal trauma isn’t significant. As we wrote in our previous post, infidelity PTSD is a very real experience, and it deserves to be handled with respect and sensitivity. That’s why we recommended that the betrayed spouse seeks counseling as well, so that he or she can feel safe again and begin to lower the emotional intensity surrounding the affair.
Ultimately, we want the opportunity to help you regain safety, sanity, and sort out a healthy path forward--in whatever form that takes. We do affirm the sanctity of marriage as part of our Christian counseling emphasis. This is the foundation of our work.
Debunking the Myth: I’m a Bad Christian If I Get Divorced
Our goal is not to get into a Scriptural or theological discussion--we’ll leave that to an emotionally healthy pastor, which you hopefully already have in your life here in San Diego.
The truth is, abuse comes in many different forms. Physical or sexual abuse is pretty black and white (but is still hard to walk away from). But verbal, and emotional, and psychological abuse is often more subtle. You may have lived with your spouse for so long that the things he or she says or does seem insignificant to you, even though they are rooted in abusive thinking.
What constitutes emotional, or verbal, or psychological abuse? I recommend reading the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Here are a few things to look for:
Name calling: you are a blank *fill in hurtful label here*
Condescension: talking down to you like you’re not as good as him/her
Gaslighting: denying your reality so you feel crazy
Manipulation: of words, emotions, and situations so you feel like you are constantly to blame
Threats: used in any situation
You probably take your marriage vows seriously. That’s a wonderful commitment, but if you are experiencing any form of abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional—you are jeopardizing your own spiritual and emotional health if you continue in a harmful situation.
In these cases, it’s important to separate yourself from your partner until he or she agrees to get help and begins making discernible changes in his or her behavior. If your partner refuses to get help or repeatedly falls into the same abusive behaviors—including multiple affairs or sexual addiction—it is possibly healthiest to make that separation permanent through divorce.
Just as with physical abuse, you will eventually crumble under the betrayal trauma of emotional affairs or sex addiction. By removing yourself from the situation, you give yourself space to seek healing and live a full life without continuously retriggering the trauma of infidelity.
As you become more relationally healthy, you will also be able to teach your children how to break the patterns of relational trauma in the family. We can also help you talk to your kids so that they understand what is going on with their parents.
Contact Us Today for More Information
You don’t have to struggle with betrayal trauma alone, and you don’t have to make the decision to save or scrap your marriage alone either. You’re likely feeling very emotional right now, and one minute you want to end things while the next you’re not sure.
It’s critical in these moments to have outside help from a professional who can listen to you and affirm your emotions. We’re here to help you move beyond the immediate intensity of the betrayal and figure out what is truly best for you and your family long term.
To begin your journey to healing, please contact our intake coordinator, Elizabeth, at (760) 283-7000. Elizabeth will connect you with one of our skilled San Diego therapists, who will empower you to make the right decision for you.