Building Resilience in Children During COVID-19

My wife and I started a garden at the beginning of the pandemic--our third attempt over the years to grow our own vegetables and herbs. This time we did something radically different. Instead of setting up an extensive drip irrigation system that watered the plants every day, we decided to water by hand every few days as needed, letting the soil dry out a little in between. To our surprise, our garden has flourished like never before, rewarding us with bountiful thyme, loads of tomatoes, and even fragrant stalks of lemongrass.

Apparently, letting the soil dry out a little in between waterings is key for growing strong, healthy plants. The little periods of dryness stress the plant out just enough that they grow a larger and deeper root system without suffering any long-term damage. This is the definition of resilience--the ability to recover quickly from stress and even grow in the face of difficulties.

No doubt one of the biggest challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic is helping your children deal with the stress and frustration of not being able to see loved ones, attend school, or visit their favorite amusement parks. You are probably stressed and frustrated yourself, but also concerned about not passing your own emotions on to your children.

While this is a challenging time for everyone, it’s also a great opportunity for building resilience in your children, just like those garden plants. By teaching them to build their emotional strength, you are in effect helping them send their root system deeper into the soil. Next time they face a challenge, whether it’s a difficult relationship at school or an athletic disappointment, your kids will be better equipped to bounce back and even thrive because of the lessons they are learning now.

So how do you as a parent go about building resilience in your children? Here are a few suggestions.

Build Resilience by Creating Space for Your Children’s Emotions

A tomato plant can’t deepen its root system if it’s in a small pot. Likewise, your children need you to create space for their emotions in order to build resilience.

Parents can sometimes feel uncomfortable when their children express strong feelings, such as anxiety, fear, or grief, all of which are very normal given the pandemic. Rather than minimizing your children’s feelings or trying to problem solve right away, acknowledge what they are feeling. With younger children, this may include helping them give a name to their emotion. Another good practice is to have them identify where in their body they feel that emotion.

By creating space for emotion, you are sending the message that strong emotions are normal and expected, not something to suppress or be ashamed of. Many adult problems, including depression and addiction, often arise from suppressed emotions, so building resilience now is ultimately safeguarding your children from later problems.

Build Resilience with the Circle of Control

You’re probably familiar with the Serenity Prayer, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr which reads:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

The prayer is often used in 12 Step groups to remind members that there are only certain things that are under their control. They have a responsibility to change what they can, but they need to be okay letting the rest go. Doing this brings a surprising and seemingly contradictory sense of agency and peace, even in difficult situations.

Megan Weller, LMFT, a therapist with Integrity Counseling Group and an experienced play therapist in San Diego shares this in relation to children:

“One of the primary tools I recommend for dealing with the pandemic and building resilience is creating a circle of things one can control (inside the circle) and what one cannot control (outside of the circle). This helps children to focus on daily choices about what they can control. Plus it can be tailored to a specific situation like COVID-19 or made to be more general.”

Essentially, Megan is suggesting that you and your children develop an image of “the things I can change” and “the things I cannot change,” in order to give them the sense of agency and peace mentioned above. You might want to literally sit down with your children, draw a circle on large butcher paper, and create visual pictures of what they can and cannot control.

With the pandemic specifically, things that your children cannot control may include:

• Getting together with friends for play dates

• How long the pandemic will last

• Not being able to visit Grandma

• If loved ones get sick

Encourage your children to put these things out of the circle and recognize that they must let them go.

In contrast, things your children can control may include:

• Wearing a mask in public

• Limiting exposure to news

• Washing hands thoroughly

• Finding fun things to do at home

• Practicing kindness and grace

• Planning a safe outdoor adventure for the family

• Saying the serenity prayer when they feel anxious

Once your children have established what they can control--that is, what goes inside the circle--have them focus on those things daily, especially when they feel anxious.

This is a great skill to practice that will pay dividends as your children grow up. They will have better boundaries with the world around them and will feel empowered to do their part when difficulties arise.

Build Resilience by Forming Secure Attachments

Building resilience in children comes more naturally when they know they can count on at least one adult for their emotional and physical safety. This is called “secure attachment.”

Whole blog posts and books have been written on attachment. To be brief, some characteristics of secure attachment include:

• Being able to bring up negative emotions without fear of shame or being ignored

• Being able to express the need for physical or emotional comfort

• Knowing that relationships will face ups and down, but the commitment to each other is steady

• The ability to express affection openly

• Not feeling like you have to earn each other’s love or approval

• Feeling comfortable being apart or expressing independence

Secure attachment builds resilience in children because it teaches them that even if the world out there is frightening or disappointing at times, they have people in their corner who will help them get through it.

As children go through difficult experiences with secure attachments, they will learn that these experiences do not defeat or define them. They may even realize that life challenges can often lead to growth and new opportunities they had never considered before. What a valuable perspective to teach your children in the middle of the current pandemic!

For More Help, Schedule a Session with One of Our San Diego Therapists

Hopefully this post gives you some ideas for building resilience in your children during this difficult time. If your kids are anxious, frustrated, or confused, take heart in the knowledge that this is a totally normal reaction, and that you actually have a profound opportunity as a parent.

For more support along these lines, I would recommend seeing Megan here at Integrity Counseling Group. You can either have your children see Megan personally, or you can meet with her yourself for some help parenting during this time.

To set up an appointment, please contact our intake specialist at (760) 283-7000.

Cory Anderson, LMFT, is the founder and director of Integrity Counseling Group. He oversees the three offices in San Marcos, Carlsbad, and Mission Valley. For a fun and insightful look at how Cory and the other therapists at Integrity Counseling Group are personally coping with the COVID-19 pandemic, check out our post How to Survive the Lockdown.