How to Journey with Grief
“Grief is not an illness that needs to be cured, nor is it a problem that needs to be solved. It is a normal, natural response to loss.”
In the tapestry of life, grief is a thread that weaves its way through all our experiences, reminding us of our profound capacity to love and to lose. Grief is both a deeply personal and universal experience.
Grief can be defined as the emotional experience associated with loss, such as anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness, and guilt. (Bunn, 2020). We experience grief when we lose a loved one; we may also experience grief around a big life transition, a separation, a medical diagnosis, a personal trauma, world events, etc.
Neurologist Lisa M. Shulman, MD, FAAN describes how grief and loss can affect the body in a variety of different ways. “They can cause changes in memory, behavior, sleep, and body function, affecting the immune system as well as the heart. It can also lead to cognitive effects, such as brain fog. The brain’s goal? Survival” (Brady, 2021).
Immediately following a loss, it is normal to experience a sense of shock, accompanied by a permeating numbness.
Behind the scenes, our brains have already begun working toward survival and protection. In an attempt to shield us from the immediate, intense pain, our brain works to use this numbness as a tool to help us keep functioning in our day-to-day lives. We may feel a sense of emotional disconnect. Although this helps protect us from feeling intense pain, it simultaneously keeps us from experiencing more “positive” emotions.
Grief, in its essence, is a multifaceted journey—one that encompasses various stages and processes. Psychologist J. William Worden provides a framework of four tasks that help us understand how we journey with grief, with a particular focus on how we navigate the pain of losing a loved one through death. Healing happens gradually as we address these tasks of mourning. The tasks do not have to be addressed in order and there is no set time frame; we may revisit certain tasks over time.
Task 1: Accept the reality of the loss.
Although we may recognize intellectually that the person has died, we may also wonder how someone who was here yesterday can suddenly be gone forever. Accepting that a loved one is physically gone is a significantly challenging, yet important part of navigating our journey with grief. Doing so may include accepting that we may not have an explanation of "why" this happened; participating in activities that acknowledge the death; acknowledging the significance of our loss, and establishing a network of support.
Task 2: Process the pain of grief.
We are human. The pain of grief can feel profound. As holistic beings, we experience pain in emotional, physical, cognitive, and spiritual ways. Processing the pain of grief involves cultivating a space for the safe expression of all the natural reactions it can bring. Vulnerability, as a consequence of pain, often wants us to isolate ourselves, urging us to face it alone and shield it from others. Seeking support from others, however, is a crucial step in processing the pain that accompanies grief.
Task 3: Adjust to a world without the deceased.
What died when this person died? What was born? We may experience a significant myriad of changes - physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, financially, and in productivity. Adjusting to a new reality may involve learning new skills or taking on new responsibilities. It may also involve revisiting questions about identity, meaning, and purpose. Although the process will be painful, take heart. Human beings, by design, are natural adaptors with a great capacity to navigate change.
Task 4: cherishing their memory while embracing life.
Grief is the evidence of our love. And so our goal is not necessarily to live without grief, but to live alongside it, to find harmony between honoring the memory of our loved one, while moving forwards with life.
Moving forwards does not mean forgetting. It means keeping the deceased in our hearts while still leaving space for others. It means reshaping life in a way where we can access joy and purpose again.
The tasks of mourning are not checkboxes to be completed sequentially. Rather, they are simultaneous processes that we navigate in our own unique way and at our own pace.
In the midst of grief, it's natural for individuals to feel stuck or overwhelmed. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can be a valuable tool in helping individuals process their grief and move towards healing. It can be especially helpful in circumstances where grief can be complicated by traumatic aspects. EMDR therapy does not erase memories or eliminate the natural response to grief; rather, it can help us get “unstuck” and allow for the natural healing process to continue. EMDR helps individuals to navigate their grief with a sense of inner peace, enabling them to move forward in their healing journey.
Grief is a deeply personal and complex experience, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating it. However, by acknowledging the various tasks and processes involved, and by seeking support, we can gradually find our way through grief towards a place of healing and acceptance.
References
Brady, S. (2021). Healing your brain after loss: How grief rewires the brain. American Brain Foundation.
Bunn, P. (2020). Personal communication.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy (5th ed.). New York: Springer Publishing Company.
